Der Gestapo!

So, no trip to the ‘Scland’ is complete without a visit to some notorious n tucked away memento of the Nazi yoke, n Koln is no exception. The party started from some qite inauspicious beginnings – not very well supported, in fact, in 1923, the Commies took more of the vote, but as we know, following the 1933 Putchse, it was game over. The Gestapo prison wasn’t actually that horrific, the cells were small n narrow and had no bunks or seats and were over-crowded, but when I compare to the conditions of humans even Soviet Citizens in Russia, I can’t get excited. And, horror of horrors, the Gestapo did actually let people go – not often, but it did happen. Once you were labelled a ’57, (Political undesirable under the Soviet penal code), it was game over. Still, back to the Museum. Now, the Museum is designed to show also the growth and progression of the Nazi party and the crimes perpetrated by them and it was pretty interesting. The sad thing though, was that the main Nazi Party Gauleiter for Koln was never indicted or convicted for his crimes, despite being Gauleiter from 1937 to 1945. In fact, he died of natural causes in 1990 – how sad.

There were many interesting monuments to those brutalised by the Nazi’s. The Jews obviously, of which all 27,000 Jews in pre-war Koln were removed and destroyed. Sad also was the Nazi system of sterilisation and eugenics, whereby thousands of Gympsies, Romas etc, were systematically sterilised as they were racially undesirable, as well as disabled, hard of hearing and those with poor sight. Very sad.

The latter part of the exhibition was given over to wartime Koln, another city bombed flat as part of Bomber Harris’s campaign of intimidation.

Most moving for me was the description of a typical marriage between a soldier and a Koln woman. Often, the marriages were carried out with neither the bride nor groom being in each others company. Because the Nazi approval of racial integration certificate took forever to be awarded, often the couple had missed their chance for marrying, so the services were carried out with the Soldier, who would be at the Front, swearing his oaths to a Nazi Party official and the bride doing the same here in Koln. The tale finished by making the observation that many newly married couples never even got to consummate their marriage as the Soldier would have perished on the Front – especially the Eastern Front – or the Woman would’ve died under one of the many incessant bombing campaigns carried out by the Allies.

The final note of interest to catch my eye was the sign erected by the Amis after they liberated and occupied Koln. Says it all as a reminder I think.

Red Alert 2!

The long road home - Cologne.

Germany here we come!!

The trip over via Dubai was fine although I’d made a stuff up which will be a good travel tip for anyone wanting to listen! I’d pre-booked my flight with Emirates and had signed up for their frequent flyer card – clever too as ya can fill out yr preference for meals – which I thought was a winner and was obviously feeling fruity! The trip over takes about 20 hours n includes 4 meals n guess what… ALL of mine were fruit! FCUKING hell, I was hanging for something warm by Germany (luckily they have all those wurst n schnitzels!) but the worst thing has probably been the runs I reckon…! Too graphic? Shan’t mention ‘The Accident’ then! But I shan’t be doing that again, unless I can change the preference during the stopover! The good thing though I reckon was not feeling dehydrated – loadsa water in fruit, so will definitely consider it again though! But it was like facking Groundhog Day – bloody fruit… Mr Kirk? Fruit? I was desperately trying to swop with this old guy next to me but he was having NONE of it!

Ian n his first 'Alt'!

Getting to Dusseldorf airport was great - imagine my surprise when at the airport was not only Konrad, with whom I’m staying, but another friend Klaudia – the two used to date in Oz! So, hugs n cuddles all round! There’s something fucking magical about being met by people at an airport – makes ya feel loved! It seems that I brought the weather too as it was nice n sunny when we landed! Of course, our first priority was a ‘Dorfer’ beer. Apparently, Cologne n Dusseldorf have a kind of rivalry along the lines of Freo/Perth, except this goes back about 1400 years! Dusseldorf brews a bitter called ‘Alt’, which you just cannot get in Cologne so Klaudia, a ‘Dorfer’, wanted to get me converted! Lovely down by the river but I’m really missing the warmth of Perf! The top thing though is the quality of the German beer – fucking A! The brewing laws here in Germany are pretty strict (not allowed to put additives to preserve the beer etc), which means that a lot of the pub are their own micro-breweries, which I LOVE! All the beers are lovingly tended and are pretty nice too and of course, I responded in kind – I’m facking loving it!

Getting to Cologne though and Konrad had one more ace to pull! He’d booked me into a hotel – slap bang in the centre of Cologne, great views of the ‘dome’ (central cathedral) AND only 27 euro’s a night on ‘mates rates’! The only thing is, mein name ist…Herr Herbet Hackhausen! – Just call me Herb! Ha hah! Had a lot of fun signing that off at breakfast! And the breakkie chic that checks you in had a good long hard Gestapo-esque look as she couldn’t quite believe that with a German name like that, I didn’t really speak a word! I’m keeping Mum though!

The river here (Rhine) is pretty beautiful too – went for a run along there Wednesday morning – loads of people out and about – I was quite impressed! I have a confession – I see myself in years to come, little pup running along with me as I run along a river in a town or city somewhere – in time, maybe I’ll be pushing a pram n all – but then it passes and I think about the night out on the beers….!! Getting old – wooooo!

Had a lovely night out Wednesday with Konrad n Ko – met some of his work mates – my German is AWFUL but they were so cool, very polite, correcting me and laughing their HEADS off at my mistakes – they also gave me sentences to repeat which was no end of amusement for some of ‘em! I was shocked – ze Germans have a sense of humour! The beer waiter spent 4 years in UK – in my hometown AND supports my footy team – cool! So we clicked n got quite pished! Yay!

Just off to the Gestapo Museum – next post! See ya there!

Klaudia n Dorthe

Thursday was a winner evening as well, Klaudia came over n Timo popped out as well which was cool. Also met another lass, Dorthe, friend of Klaudia – very old school north German name for Dorothy apparently – Her nick name in Oz was ‘D-Whatever’ as people couldn’t pronounce her name! Typical facking ozzies! So, we partied hard and the girls also helped along my German education by teaching me some toasts for the beer. They’ll make no sense at all translated as they play on the word rhyme, but still cool though:

‘Nit Schwade – Lade!’
‘Hop Hop - ab in de Kopp’!’Zur mitte, Zur titte, zum boden, zum hoden, zum sack, Zack – Zack’!
‘Mann muss die feste feiern, wie sie fallen’!

Nit Schwade - Lade

Class – so we trotted these out and had a whale of a time around ‘Kleine Koln’. Yeah kids, I can recommend it!

All good things come to an end and my trip around Oz is sadly no different!

Bless - some birfday cards for the Captain!!

I’ve had a wicked time – Australia is a beautiful and diverse country with many wonderful things to see and people to do! My initial trepidation at leaving ‘home comforts’ on the East coast receded to be replaced by guilt at being so indulgently lazy, to a better understanding of where I am in life and maybe also a bit more about who I am. A steadily growing self-confidence and belief that I am a good person and as the wounds of my torn relationships with various people in my life began to heal, I began to realise I was worthy of loving and could love back too and that this wasn’t actually a bad thing to feel or a bad place to be in! Some things come easily to people and while I could probably have described myself as always being ready to speak my mind and stepping in where angels feared to tread – I loved a Thatcher quote:

‘Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous. You get knocked down by traffic from both sides’

Like a bloke, but certainly like a dickhead, I thought this applied to life in general. It was starting to dawn on me as I unwound from the petty cares of life that the true measure of someone was being able to do this where it really mattered – with affairs of the heart and soul and that a truly brave and admirable person was someone who could put aside their own fears and insecurities and embrace that thought by putting themselves out there for someone or something else for love. I’ve been privileged to see it in many cases and examples – parents with their kids, animals and their offspring and closer to home, examples of this drawn from my own, male, friends. As I had more time to reflect, I realised the examples of how and what I aspire to have been around me all along, in friends, lovers, siblings, parents – my own and my friends but the old saying goes: He is truly blind who cannot see what is under his nose!

Things like when Tanguy first told me about his then unborn daughter and why (and how) he’d made the decision to take responsibility for his actions. Paulo, when he described to me how he felt about his now wife. James and his love for someone that he nurtured and kept alive for years and is now in a place I for one never thought he would be. Paul and his family in South Africa, Neil when he was travelling in order to fulfil a ‘dream’ when in reality his dream was on the other side of the World and as soon as he realised this he went straight back to her and is now ‘living the dream’. There are others, but I like those ones – ripped from right in front of me and my own life – bless! All around, guys are living and behaving just like I want to myself and if I’m asked what have I gained most from my travels – that’d be it I reckon. It certainly wouldn’t be the beer would it? I mean, Fostralia…?!

View from the bridge - sunset from our balcony!

I'm staying in Perth at the moment – I’ve got a job on a Project based in WA – should take me through to 2011 – nicely! In the meantime, what can I say…

I’m shopping for a sofa bed so as soon as I’ve got one, get over here and find out for yourself!!

Captians Blog - over n out.... for now!

Back to Perf

End of January and the start of the rest of da life!

A dogs life - the beach work-out!


Geordie Bay - Wye Aye Man!

The main thing I remember Rottnest for is that it was the last holiday of mine before some serious work looking for a job, getting the visa and all that stuff...

Oh yeah....I was helping Dave with his gardening!

Everything comes to those who wait apparently, or if you’re more like me, the early bird catches the worm and I had only 6 weeks to find a job. Weird thing is, I was always quietly confident of getting something and so it turned out – a role with WorleyParsons on the Pluto LNG Project.

The Boys @ BDO: Nickos, some twat, Davo, Corn n Jade!!

The interviews and medicals done and dusted, the main thing was getting a hoose and visa and …..getting to a Big Day Out – down with Gav n Nick, Dave, Corn Dog, Jade n the crew – a day of live music – LOVED Butterfly effect and Tool and ended the night listening to ‘Crystal Method’ in the Dance tent! As Davo would say – ‘Killer’!!

Sydney post-Glyn

11th January onwards!

Things rolled on pretty quickly after getting back – Neil n Troods were cool as in letting me stay at theirs. I didn’t plan on hanging around for as long this time so I think we were all cool! Excitingly, most people were around, including the Duanester who was leaving Oz end January to go to Blighty n Cheggit out!


David's last day - sniff!

First though, I had my German mates to catch up with – first one out being David. He was on his way back to Deutschland and University – good on ya mate! We hooked up for a coffee n a chat before his bus left and one of his other mates had rocked up too, they’d been travelling together up the East Coast I think. Anyway, they’d made a brilliant collage of pictures about their trip and it was cool to look through and see the fun and funny times they’d had – gave me a few ideas as well! Chatting to Dave, I think he was ready to go home and he was going via Bali as well, so the money I’d given him in Darwin could finally be put to use!!


BBQ on the Beach with Konrad n Co.!!

Konrad also had a few things ganning on – not least a birthday – wahey! It was so funny listening to him complain about his age – ‘Ohhhh, I feel so old….’ I think he’s 24 – or is it 25 now?! Try 33 son! Anyway, t’was a good day – with us meeting some of Konrads mates on the beach between Bondi n Coogee – lovely area actually and despite the fact that the weather was a bit miserable, we still managed to get a party going with a BBQ n a few beers – shopping together in Coles was hilarious!

Duane was Neil n Troods Best man at their wedding last year which was when I had the pleasure of meeting him – a dry sense of humour and a sharp wit – he’s gonna fit right in over in Blighty! Anyway, he had a birthday coming up and so we were all out on the pop – funnily enough going to a ‘Gaucho Grill’ that had just opened up in Sydders here! Situated just underneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge, on the other side from Luna Park! It was fitting, I thought, to have one of my last meals in Sydney on my year out in the same area that I had my first on my first ever trip tp Oz in 2003!! I’m not a big believer in co-incidence but there was a nice symmetry in it all!! That said, you can find a pattern in anything if you look hard enough – just ask the Commies during the Lenin/Stalin era purges!!

Now, as y’all now, Neil n Troods don’t drink and neither do I, so it was a very understated affair to be honest, I still don’t know how I got so hammered!! The food was good, but the place was sadly very small so you couldn’t really relax and kick back – that said, it was a great excuse for a drink up so who cared?! We had fun! The whole rigmarole with the key was the funniest thing as we were all taking turns to borrow the key from the Waitress – the toilet being underneath the Restaurant – actually, this pissed me off more than the lack of space but hardly a reason for putting a stop on the night! The only downer was that it was a school night and everyone (except me ;-0)) had to go work – sniff! Happy birthday Duane!

Ian’s leaving do….

Wahey – my second leaving do in Sydney – waytago! The class thing about this was that most peeps weer able to meet me for a beer, including Ben n Bianca and our crowd favourite, Johnny Knox!!
Also cool was the fact that Fred could make it as well – so finally meeting all my great Fostralian mates – awww yeah! It was a pretty goddamn boozy night and I was well impressed with Konrad who managed to last a few beers as well – waytago!

Johnny Knox n Benno - heh heh!

It got a bit messy towards the end, as these things invariably do and while I was sad that this would be a last drinky-poo’s with everyone for a while, it was lovely to have so many turf up for a few sherbs! Cheers all!

Apart from coping with the hangover, the other activities were to sell Harriet, which I managed to do, meeting a lovely Irish couple who were heading up the east coast to Cairns.

I also squeezed in a job interview with Caltex at their Refinery in Botany bay, but although the role was tanfastic, I just didn’t want to stay in Sydney – I felt that WA was where it was going to be for me, which is weird I guess for all you Sydney-siders to understand, but I think I’ve finally gotten too old and have started hankering for the quiet(er) life!! Who’d’ve fort it?! I think I could do Brissy, but failing that, Perf is cool!!

All good things come to an end and the 17th January saw me off back to Perth – goodbye Sydney and all who sail in her – catch ya soon.

Sydney with Glyn

I think Glyn had enjoyed his road trip in Harriet, I certainly had. The final leg, to Sydney, was now in sight and despite a couple of hiccups from Harriet (fucking bitch was starting to play up), we mooched up to Sydney, by way of some friends of his family, to the hotel in Hyde Park.

What a blessing – decent hotel room, sheets, bed – I was looking forward to the best night’s sleep in, well, literally a year!! The highlight was definitely the complimentary drinks we were entitled to on the 24th floor – often, Glyn, myself and a Yank accountant were the only ones who turned up. I think the Maitre’D danced at the other end of the ballroom and America was just weird, but I enjoyed our freebies, talking shite and generally staying well past the alloted 7.30pm cut off for free drink – nice one lads!!

We were staying in the 4 seasons too, but although the views were spectacular, it wasn’t a patch on the Marriot. That said, pulling up in Harriet was totally worth it: The look on the door nazi’s face when we rocked up – passing the guy my keys was classic!! I popped down to see her next day and she was looking at home next to a Maserati!! I just wish my facking camera worked!

It was kinda cool being back in Sydney, especially as I’d loved being here last year, but one of the main things was how BUSY it is! Now, when I came from the Smoke, I thought it was actually really quiet and quaint, but since then I’ve been all round Fostralia (mate, awww yeah) and gotten used to being ‘out back’ and so Sydney is actually a busy, impatient place! There were three things that stick in my mind about arriving – the first one was how people behind the van, at traffic lights, would get straight onto the horn if I wasn’t pulling away the nano-second after green came on. I sussed this pretty early on and then spent the next 2 weeks annoying punters behind me by pulling up in the junction, putting the hazards on and then making a big show of checking the rear of the van:

‘…What the fuck are you doing ya galah…’
‘You were pressing yr horn mate, what’s the problem, you noticed something wrong with the van…?’
‘It’s to get a move on you idiot…’
‘…Really, you need to learn to fucking drive then you dick, a horn is to provide a warning for other motorists, not a rebuke, fucking cocksucker….’

Actually, this was only one interaction, the others were less confrontational but you get the drift – on one occasion I also managed to time it just right that I pulled away as the lights went and the guy went through the red and got camered! Wanker!! Or maybe I am for doing it, but I dunno, Sydney is in one hell of a hurry!

The second thing was catching the train – now, growing up in the Smoke, I’m used to overcrowding but it’s amazing what you forget – and forget I did – for example; the sensation of having someone’s armpit in my face was awful – I really felt claustrophobic and wanted to get off the train a number of times – I was amazed at my reaction - then again, amazing what you get used to and I've just spent 9 months in a LOT of space!

The third and final was the drinking and how the pub bouncers took the ‘responsible drinking’ thing to the next level of ‘face control’, inevitable when most of them are on steroids I guess and consquently have penis issues, but it can really put the boot into your night out.

Cool huh? That's Europe. In Oz! There's 20 million peeps in Oz. AND 60 million in the UK alone.

In fact, the boozer we were in where this is on the wall is a prime example – the bouncer had said to me after I went outside for a smoke that I wouldn’t be allowed back in, as I’ve had too much - I asked what he was basing this on and he said he'd been watching my consumption and I'd had four! FOUR schooners. I said as much to which he replied, how much is enough and that to him, four was enough! I laughed, finished my ciggy and snuck back in when he was dealing with someone else, but my point stands – it really fucks yr night up! Meeting up with Konrad provided some fun as it was a bet as to who out of was gonna get carded – in the event, we all got turned over at one point or another on one or another of the nights out we had!! You just gotta laugh and take it on the chin.

On the whole? A great end to my trip around Oz and I was really chuffed to to it in style and end up in a couple of nice hotels – way to go Glyn – superstar!

Like all good things, there has to be an end and that was what it was. An end to my trip, an end to Harriet and an end to Glyn’s hols – but not without that last beer!!

Cheers Glyn!

Canberra and the War museum

3rd January – 4th January

The main highlight of the trip to Canberra was the War Memorial – I’d heard a lot about it and in Glyn had someone whose interest in History, especially Military History, exceeded my own. Our first task on arriving was finding campsite and a push bike for Glyn – we decided we would be cycling down to the Memorial – why not, it wasn’t too far. Getting there for about 1pm, we figured a couple of hours and we could be out for a beer and dinner around 7-ish. I’m glad to say however that we lost track of time and found ourselves there at the close - Even 4 hours wasn't enough time and I wish we'd had more.
Looking down Anzac Parade, the Memorial is situated on a hill and quite dominates the Boulevard down to the lake. The memorials to each War Australia has been involved in is down here but first we were to see the museum itself.

An Australian and NZ soldier.

Cleverly set out, the Museum recreates, by way of Diorama, film, equipment and story, the story behind the idea of the Anzacs and documents the beginning of Australia’s realisation of itself as a Sovereign Country. I've always been aware just how young Australia is, but seeing the Militray beginnings of self-awareness is also very striking. It’s cleverly and movingly done and it is by far the best memorial I’ve ever been to. Naturally kicking off with WW1, the major feature is the failed Gallipoli landings. My knowledge of Gallipoli was pretty poor and restricted largely to Aussie propaganda – I thought it was an exclusively British planned, ANZac executed, Operation- where the only casualties were the Convicts n Kiwi's who were then massacred on the bridgehead at Gallipoli. In fact, 5 Countries took part in the battle and the casualties were horrendous:

NZ: 3000
Australia: 8000
France: 18000
Britain: 28000
Ottomans: 81000.

I was really knocked out by that but the class of this memorial shone through by presenting the facts of the entire Campaign, from ANZac cove through to the Dardennelles and representing all those who took part - including the Turks.

This excellent standard continued throughout the Memorial and I reached many points with a lump in my throat reading some of the stories.

The VC exhibition was incredible. To see so many young men cut down in their prime and to read for what actions they were awarded the VC, often posthumously, was very moving. We live our lives today because of some exceptional and singularly brave people. What touched me wasn’t that they fought for some craven Politician's ideology, freedom, 'Iraqi-style' democracy, or the spread of some mad Mufti's Islamic indoctrination, they often simply fought for their loved ones, their mates, their own survival. Reading the diaries was hard work and I doubt I would ever be able to give the ultimate sacrifice as these people had. I kid myself that I believe our Leaders are too full of shit for me to follow them, but actually, I'm too scared.

I found this particular picture very sad and moving. The Japs had taken this guy and his unit prisoner after the fall of Burma and this was a picture of his execution. The Jap soldiers in the background can all be seen laughing and joking as the guy is beheaded. I took a lot of satisfaction in reading that this Jap unit was one of those that defended the Island of Okinawa, which the Yanks took prior to bombing the mainland. Of the 20,000 Jap troops who were on Okinawa, only 200 survived. It was this fanaticism that helped persuade Truman that 'Little Boy' and 'Fat Man' needed to be dropped – with all the consequences for the World today. I know war is brutal, but when you read about the forced death marches, the comfort women, the general brutality towards PoW’s, you realise that here were a race of indoctrinated people as bad as the National Socialists and Communists of the European Theatre. They then got nuked - A dirty, savage war it was.

Sadly, time ran out and we had to leave, but not before being able to see the commemorative wall, where each Australian Serviceman/Woman are named. The Poppies are put there by visitors and is a lovely touch. I didn’t know, but at close, it is a tradition for a traditional song to be played for the dead, so that they know their life on Earth is finished and remembered and they can go on to their place of rest.

Today, a lone Scottish Piper was to play a lament and I can say that the tears flowed quite freely as he played. It seemed to sum up in music all that is futile and sad about our warring nature. I thought of a Latin saying I’d once read:

‘Timidi Mater Non Flet’

It seems to sum up the Human attitude to war!

I didn’t want to leave, but we had to and we went down Anzac Parade to see the Memorials. Again, excellent and very tasteful, one even remembering the contribution of the Australian nursing arm as well. Amazingly, there was space for three more memorials at the end – pragmatic and yet reassuring – there wasn’t a hint of arrogance about it though and I rode off thinking about how difficult it would be to make a similar display in the UK.

I can say with my hand on my heart that this was a highlight of my trip – well worth seeing if here and it should be an essential for any Convict in understanding their history – Bravo Australia.

Road trippin' with Glyn

2nd January – 5th January

So all good things come to an end and after dropping B off at the airport, I was over to Benno’s gaff to pick Glyn up n say ‘Tara’ to everyone. First though, had to pick up the laptop but sadly it wasn’t ready, despite my waiting the morning and part of the afternoon for them to get the part – fucking typical!

Comfy as hell!!

Nevermind though, Glyn n I were soon on our way – he’s a top lad, but Babett’s better looking!! The first night was pretty easy – we arrived at a Campsite near the great lakes entrance about 9pm and luckily the lass was still up and about and we could get a site. Glyn n I rustled up a quick bite to eat and repaired to a couple of sherbets and a good waffle – I have to admit that I’ve missed having a good yarn to my mates. As there was only room for one in ‘Harriet’, I’d kindly offered it to Glyn – that said though, I hadn’t crashed out under the stars for a while and was looking forward to it. My main concern shoulda been that I might lose an ear or my nose to ‘Bunyip’ sometime during the night as we were staying near a river, but luckily I’d discovered this was a ‘bonza’ convict ‘furfy’ told to unsuspecting ‘Pommie’ ‘drongos’ when I was in Perf. Apparently it’s all ‘Strine mate, awwwwwwwwwww yeah’, but anyway, I slept like an ‘ankle biter’!

We did aim for an early start the next day but time just seems to run away from you sometimes and we were heading up the road about 10 am. I’m sure that Glyn’ll blame me, as I needed to have a wash and not just an ‘English wash’ either, although fuck knows why we’re referred to as being dirty, but there you go! Actually, I’d been reading an aussie slang book, which I was given by my colleagues at Fluor before leaving for ‘Fostralia’. I’ll make sure that I put a post up with as much Strine in it as possible! See if it gets anyone ‘ropable’! Fill, I know you’d love it!

Anyway, todays treat was to go to Glenwrowan, or more simply ‘Neds Country’. I dunno if you know the story of Ned Kelly, but it’s a great one and I think sums up Aussie mentality in that a massive folk hero is a convicted horse thief and murderer. Having been here a year though and seen what crooked, lying fuckers the Govmints have been and indeed are, I think he’s kinda my hero too. Before ‘Nedders’ though, we had to get there via the Snowy Mountains and the Kosciuszko National Park.

According to the blurb:

‘…the park contains the highest mountains in Australia, the famous Snowy River and all NSW ski fields. Its many and varied attractions include walks through alpine herbfields; spectacular caves and limestone gorges; scenic drives; and historic huts and homesteads. One of the Australian Alps national parks, this park is nationally and internationally recognised as a UNESCO Biosphere Reserve. It contains six wilderness areas, and its alpine and sub-alpine areas contain plant species found nowhere else in the world. The park is also home to the rare mountain pygmy possum and corroboree frog….’

It was also where Australia’s, and arguably the World’s, biggest peacetime serial killer stalked his prey. Anyone seen ‘Wolf Creek’? Based on a guy called Ivan Milat, who didn’t like backpackers much apparently. Anyway, the area is beautiful, it really is. It’s also very lonely and it’s not hard to imagine just 20 metres from the side of the road, someone was brutally hacked to death and buried in a shallow grave. Fucking backpackers right?! In fact, we drove through Berrima, which is the town near where the mutilated remains one of the birds Ivan whacked was found – lovely quaint little place but obviously very ‘Little Britain’!

But I digress, Glenwrowan – what a place – this town has about 20 buildings, 18 of which are devoted to Ned’s legend. Ned (Edward) Kelly grew up as a sometime thief and graduated to bigger and better stuff after an ‘apprentiship’ under arguable Fostralia’s best Bushranger, Harry Power. Lots of great stuff as to why he turned, but basically, corruption in the Five-Oh, Govmint and the fact that the loacls were getting royally fucked over with regard to owning land, meant it was only a matter of time before people fell foul of the law. Ned was a big hitter when it came to doing naughty stuff – personally I like his balls, if you’re gonna break the law, do it in style, so his gang used to hold up whole towns and do ALL the banks for example – legendary. Best thing of all though, was the shootout that finished his freedom – everything was so small and tiny – the boys were blasting away at the Polis from less than 20 metres I reckon. According to the legend, not one Rozzer died in the shootout, which is designed to make you think that Ned and the gang were nice and didn’t shoot to kill. In reality, they’d been on the turps all day and probably couldn’t hit a barn door at 5 paces. Sadly, with an irony only a Country supporting the Death Penalty can contain, Ned was nursed back to health from his wounds, ‘only to be hanged by the neck until dead’ at Melbourne Gaol, where I’d seen his deathmask.

The story is identical to one I’d read where a ‘Slim’ in I-Ran had nearly been shot to death by his neighbour, for being balls deep in Neighbours wifey. I dunno if Neighbour had run out of bullets or was also blind drunk and couldn’t hit a barn door either, but again, the Adulterer was nursed back to health only to die from being stoned to death. At least Australia isn’t still that backwards! I hope the shag was worth it – maybe that’s why they cover their birds up, they’re so fucking gorgeous, a man would risk being stoned to death just to drop some DNA down a girl!

Warp speed didn't work - but seriously we did get 140!! Downhill!

Canberra here we come – an enlightened state is the ACT – I was looking forward to getting laid by a Hoe whilst enjoying a joint and a coffee, but that would have to wait until the next day as we didn’t have enough time to make the jump in the remaining daylight – no wucking furries mate!

Melbourne - Cricket, New Year and all the gubbins!

24th December – 2nd January

So here we were – Melbourne – I was expecting big things of this place, after all, it is Australia’s No 1 city for Culture, pubbing, clubbing, bars, theatre and all that good stuff and we were so excited we decided to arrive early from Geelong! That wasn’t hard as Geelong has very little to recommend itself!

Parked up in the Crown Casino car park between a BMW M5 and Audi TT – heh heh. Old Harriet was going up in the world! The biggest treat in this place though was actually getting into the toilets! Luxury!

We then mooched into the city centre and got quite lost, but not before finding quite a few nice shops to peruse for crimbo – god I wish I was working again! The weather was on the turn though – I’d heard Melly could get quite cold and the old bugger was living up to form with a cold drizzle, intermittently getting heavy!!

The campsite was nice though – a lovely outdoor pool but by the time we got there I wasn’t ever expecting to use it – you could barely see your hands in front of your face!! B n I spent the rest of the afternoon shopping for goodies and supplies before heading down to the local boozer for a Crimbo nightcap – to our surprise the place was completely dead – we trebled the number of patrons in there. There were a couple of cadavers over in the pokies area who occasionally evidenced some life by twitching now and then and dropping their drinks with a loud crash but it was cold and pretty uninspiring. Not even a limp effort on my part at Pool with B managed to dampen my spirits though! It’s Crimbo!

Xmas day

Winner – in bed all day pretty much – the weather was fantastic and well worth the trip to the beach we’d planned…!! The only thing of interest was the fact that I managed to break my computer screen by sitting on it! BASTARD! I’d just bought Rome:Total War as well so was proper gutted! The great excuse now though to lapse on the blog huh?!
;-0)

Boxing Day test

Before the day started though, we had some drama’s – Glyn had suffered a broken windscreen on the runway at Singapore and hadn’t arrived as yet. When we caught up, it turned out he was in Adelaide – what a shame – we’d left there 3 days ago – at this time it looked like the whole day was in the balance as Glyn had the tix but he kindly offered me to go – if he arrived, we’d sort ourselves out.
Those of ya who haven’t been, the MCG is an amazing place – holds near 100,000 people and quite dominates the skyline as you get nearer. Anyway, on my way in, I texted Simon Mathews, hadn’t caught up with him since Justin’s wedding in Prague all them there years ago – bizarrely, he was sitting in the same stand as I was! Once there, I find out that in fact, he’s sitting 2 rows behind me – small world huh?! But what about this then…. Look closely at this picture – I thought I’d take a photo of Simon and his lass and who’s that there behind them….? Stu n Karen Rolt – now THAT, is a fucking coincidence!!

Needless to say, the cricket was lost, we were pretty awful, although Pieterson and Bell did quite well. Australia were up for it again though and did really well – the fuckers!!

Glyn made it too and it was great to catch up – he was looking well and very English in his get up – but why wouldn’t ya?!

The rest of the hols!!

Today was a good one as well cos I was catching up with Neil – sadly Trudi was joining the following evening but the Peelster had come down with Lisa. Although we hadn’t arranged a hook up, I figured we might as Glyn n Ben were down as well and it turned out that way! It was cool meeting everyone again – everyone looked shattered but that musta been from the ‘de rigueur’ partying at the end of the year ;-0). Lisa and I managed a chat which was nice but sadly it was a bit strained – I guess that our not making an effort to stay in touch didn’t help, but Benno was completely unfazed though and picked up where he left off in Sith Ifrika at Paul n Miche’s wedding – I think he came through with an A+ - good shooting Tex! And no, Ben didn’t even need his party trick to do it!! Great seeing the Peelster again though – can’t wait to get to Sydders and catch up with the gang.

Run up to NYE was cool. The tourist sights, such as the malbourne Gaol and the very weird science of Phrenology through to catching up with Simon and Sully, who I’d again met in Prague for J-boy’s wedding. Sully was married himself now and had a sprog on the way – bless! In fact wifey was due to drop any time soon, so poor Sully was only able to kick back and enjoy the mid-strengths!! Being a Kiwi, I suspect that’s all he could handle – but I gave him the benefit of the doubt!

NYE was groovy. I personally favored the quieter option of a few sherbs and kicking back somewhere so the option of joining Benno and Glyn in a park with friends was the perfect solution.

Benno had the option of getting up to Sydney for a party that was on there, but he had said he didn’t think it’s be much cop and had given it the side step – sometimes, you can just be too partied out!! Then again, it’s the age old argument – Melly…. Sydders…. Melly…. Sydders!!

The sad part of the holiday came all too soon though and I’d be off to Sydney via ACT and other interesting places with Glyn – a road trip I was really looking forward to.

Road tripping to Melbourne

16th December – 24th December – The big push East!

16/17 – Kalgoorlie

I’d planned an early night on the Friday cos we’d be doing quite a bit of driving on Saturday, getting to Kalgoorlie that night, we hoped.

The drive was pretty uneventful, except that it was as hot as hell on the drive over – the temperature seemed to go up a degree for every 10km we travelled inland. The weirdest thing though is how big, prosperous and well supplied Kalgoorlie is because it’s in the middle of nowhere! Where isn’t in Oz though huh?! For 5 hours we drove through the usual nothing that characterises the Aussie outback and then *pif-paf-poof* - here’s a facking great big town!!

The highlight of our stay here has to be at the caravan park, where some Aussie chavs had broken down and were camping in the short-term section of the campsite while they ‘got’ the money to fix the car!! The couple were early to mid twenties, with the lass 7-8 months preggers, smoking and drinking and the lad looking barely old enough to watch a MA15+ film on his own! The star of the show was the little boy (I assume that the chic at least was a biological parent) who was the nosiest and cheekiest kid I think I’ve ever come across! We’d hardly rolled to a stop before he bounded over and asked if we had anything we didn’t want that we could ‘give him’! I can only imagine if this lad grows into a strapping 6-footer how intimidating this would be but judging by Mum’s smoking habits, he’d reached the height he was ever gonna attain! Not content with a kindly ‘fuck off’, he started sticking his head into the van, seeing what there was! I was a bit alarmed, as I was sure he’d be light-fingered as well, but in the end he set his heart on a traffic bollard I’d nicked from some unmanned roadworks in case of breakdown – brilliant – kids love those simple things that all the toys in the world can’t be! Still, gotta admire the scamp’s cheek! Luckily we were leaving next morning before he stripped the van of something essential like wheels and what not, but not before he’d had a final stab at relieving us of something we ‘didn’t want’! In the end, we gave him some raisins, which I insisted on giving only if he swapped something for it – I was expecting the bollard but in the end, he gave us a rubber snake – bless! The nicest thing though, was the hug that he gave me when we said goodbye and left. I couldn’t resist the urge to check that my wallet was still there, which it was, but he warmed my heart bless him!

17/18 – Madurah motel

Another one of those pesky early starts was marred by the fact that all the local service stations had run out of ice – an essential when you’re travelling in the desert! Not to be deterred though, we pushed on – this was the start of the Nullarbor by the way and we were very excited. If we’d taken the trouble to read the Lonely Planet before embarking, we could have saved the energy – ‘Nullabor’ means…. ‘Without trees’…. So you have yet another featureless flat expanse of fuck all stretching interminably into the distance. Please refer to my first photo for examples of how we dealt with the excitement. In fact, the most exciting thing we did this day was a runner without paying from the campsite we stayed at! I was expecting to get ‘lifted’ at every service station along the Nullarbor between there and Adelaide!! I mean, its not like you could go in many directions is it? Dickhead! In fact, I still feel guilty!

18/19 – Ceduna

Nearly into SA and boy were we hopeful of something exciting! The border didn’t let us down either – We ditched our fresh fruit and vegetables following the advice that we could be fined up to $2000AUD, only to find that the checkpoint at the SA/WA border only confiscates fruit n veg coming INTO WA – WANKERS!!

On the plus side, there was this pretty nifty sign showing distances! I took a quick look at the odometer at this point and cleverly calculated that with the distance around Oz I’d driven in Harriet, I’d be halfway back to London, assuming I’d left London in the car and driven to this point, before turning round and going back. Cool huh?! Yeah, I thought so too, but it’s something to say about a picture!!

19/20 – Shithole north of Adelaide

There’s so little in this area that this is the only thing I found remotely exciting –

Welcome to Iron Knob – SA.

Even the shithole campsite we stayed in was crap – the woman running it warned us of King Browns everywhere, so I promptly jumped out and had a good luck around the area, including the walkways into the mangrove swamp nearby. What did I find…..? No prizes for guessing….! We left the next day for Adelaide – which is a pretty nice city – very hot though – in fact, SA is all very hot, I was quite shocked at the lack of green about and the state of the livestock had to be seen to be believed – I saw the skinniest cattle and sheep I’ve ever seen and considering how thick the sheep coats are, I took that to mean that the Oz farming industry was in a lot of trouble.

Anyway, Adelaide was nice – I bought a few cards for everyone and sent a couple of posty cards off, before we hitched the wagon and headed south to the coast – in particular to Victor Harbour, which we’d read did great fish!

20/21 – Victor Harbour

We found a lovely Big-4 campsite here on the beach and there was indeed a lovely little restaurant overlooking the bay. The breeze was a more than welcome respite from the heat but sadly, we were unable to get a table at the restaurant – I was more than snaky as it was a Wednesday night, but there you go!

21/22 – Mount Gambier

This place has a wicked natural bore hole of the most brilliant blue water – it’s thought that it was an old volcano caldera that’s filled up over the years but whatever, it’s beautiful. Sadly, my photo’s of it corrupted, but let me assure you, it’s nice. The bummer was that it rained heavily while we were here – a taste of things to come.

22/23 – Great Ocean Road near Campbelltown!

Paul, I wanted the picture of Campbelltown just for you but it didn’t have any town signs – unlike Iron Knob – hehe heh! The GOR is lovely and if you go nowhere else in Victoria, I recommend that you go here. The biggest pain, apart from Jap tourists, were the incessant flies – worst in Oz imho.

Still, the things you can see here are very cool – and I loved this road sign! I guess Australia thinks of everything –

it’s the only country in the world that, realising how thick its drivers are, provides signage for them reminding them how to drive! I’d’ve thought that they’d just make the test more challenging, but you never know!

23/24 – Geelong

The final stop before Melbourne! Wahey, nearly there…. 3500 klickeroonies in 6 days - waytago!

Perf

23rd-3rd December - Perth

Civilisation – wahey! It’s almost weird being in a city after the experience of the outback. I’d rung Dave and Nick saying we’d be in town as we’d all arranged to hook up for a beer or two. Dave was a star though and me to stay while we sorted ourselves out – winner. We didn’t think we’d be staying long as we would be heading up to Gingin to do some seasonal/rural work, but we still needed to arrange that. The lads had organized poker anyway, Texas hold-em.

All in all, we had a busy week – off to meet Katie’s folks, Ann n Bernie, down in Munster – having been e-mailing Ann for about a year on and off after getting in touch about engineering opportunities. It was lovely to meet them at last and they’d also offered for me to stay the night and I’m glad I did cos it was the comfiest nights sleep I can remember – great bed!!

The G-g's...

After a quick jaunt up to Gingin to arrange work, we got ready for some horse racing – Ascot. Dave n Nick were off down there with a gang and invited us down – wicked.
In the end, we stayed about 10 days, the work in Gingin coming through for us – I was off chicken farming; Initially just for 2 weeks, as we were driving off to Melbourne for crimbo/New Year – catching up with Glyn, Neil, Troods – woo hoo. Actually, it was about this time I got an e-mail from Leece, saying she was gonna be down in Melbourne with Neil n Troods and wanted to make sure that her and I would be OK, which I thought was nice, considering we hadn’t been in touch for 8-odd months.
Is it a bird...?!

Finished off with a trip to Freo and walked into a carnival there - closing the week's fun. I liked Freo, have to say, nice atmosphere and we spent a lovely afternoon walking around the centre, before discovering the Little Creatures brewery - heh heh!!

The road to Perth

I knew I had it here somewhere - the former church made out of the shells's from shell beach... now a restaurant - these Aussies are Pagans!

21st-22nd November – Kalbarri

Those of you who’ve seen ‘Wolf Creek’ might recognise the name of the Town, Kalbarri, where the guy who survived ‘Mick’, wound up after crossing the Great Sandy and Gibson deserts…. (Which incidentally cover an area half the size of WA, but I digress…).

On the turn off to Kalbarri, we saw a guy hitchhiking and after a brief conflab, I thought we’d spread some love and picked him up. Nice guy, Austrian, just off to Kalbarri as we were.

Kirky's failsafe fishing technique!!

There’s loads to do here if you’re into nature parks, fishing and diving…and have your own boats and equipment, so we found the local boozer and sunk a few sundowners. In fact, we enjoyed ourselves so much we did a pubcrawl of the whole town. This was only two pubs, but shush, I won’t tell if you don’t! This place is Hicksville though – a guy I was chatting to at the bar while ordering some drinks had only been to Perth twice – lucky lad!!

22nd-23rd November – Geraldton

A major town North of Perth, I’d heard of this place from Neil n Troods, who’d thought about buying here and it’s a nice town – pretty big, all mod cons and some wicked cave diving here but there were no dives on for a couple of days and we wanted to get on to Perth, bless!